


The Parent Trap

by andrastes_grace



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2016-08-27
Packaged: 2018-08-11 10:23:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7887562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andrastes_grace/pseuds/andrastes_grace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Abed: Jeff, I think you should play the role of my father.</p>
<p>Jeff Winger: I don’t wanna be your father.</p>
<p>Abed: That’s perfect. You already know your lines.</p>
<p>                               Community: Introduction to Film (#1.3) (2009)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There's a rumour going around Eastern Command that Roy has a son.</p>
<p>Set in manga/brotherhood continuity, but could easily be read as 03.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Parent Trap

 

> **Abed:** Jeff, I think you should play the role of my father. ****
> 
> **Jeff Winger:** I don’t wanna be your father. ****
> 
> **Abed:** That’s perfect. You already know your lines.
> 
>                            _Community: Introduction to Film_ (#1.3) (2009)

 

Roy Mustang was used to people staring at him, and the whispers that generally accompanied this. He was 26 and already a colonel. He’d made a name for himself both as a state alchemist and a solider.  There were many reasons why people would talk about him around Eastern Command and Roy had learnt to tune them out.

He reached his office, empty due to the fact that he’d arrived early for once as he wanted to catch up on his backlog of paperwork.  He’d only just begun when Jean Havoc pushed open the door, and entered the office.

“So, I hear congratulations are in order, Colonel?”

“Oh?” Roy couldn’t think of anything noteworthy he’d done that recently and his enquiry was more an acknowledgement of Havoc’s statement than actual interest.  He didn’t look up from his papers, even as he reached over for his cup of coffee.

“Yeah, I heard the big news on the way here.”  Havoc waited until Roy’s hand closed around the handle of the cup before continuing, “about you being a father and all.”

Havoc could not decide which was better.  His commander’s high pitched indignant yelling over the word ‘father’, or the arc the coffee made as it flew through the air and covered Roy’s desk which, until that moment, had been unusually ordered and neat.

“I’m a _what_?  When did - ? With _who_?”

“So I’m guessing you haven’t been listening to scuttlebutt then?” Havoc asked, as though he was discussing the weather.  He found his cigarettes while enjoying Mustang’s reactions and was digging through his pockets for his lighter.

“Explain.  Now.  That’s an order.” Roy sounded as dignified as he was able to, a hard task given as half his uniform was soaked with coffee.

“Well, word on the street is the chief is your son.”

“The – you mean _Fullmetal_?”

“Yup.”  Havoc had found his lighter and took a drag on his cigarette.  “That’s the rumour.”

“That’s – I’m not _old_ enough to be his father.”

Havoc shrugged, “A lot of people don’t believe you’re as young as you say are and the chief – well, he looks younger than he is.  Add a few years onto you, shave a few off Edward and it’s possible.”

Roy nodded.  This was true.  The rumours he’d been lying about his age to make his accomplishments more impressive had been around since Ishval, and very few people who met Edward Elric believed him to be either twelve or a state alchemist.

“And you have to admit, it does look pretty suspicious.  You just _happen_ to be in Resembool where you just _happen_ to meet an alchemy prodigy.”

“My information said the Elrics were in their 30s.” Roy snapped.

“Yeah?  But who believes _that_?”

“So do I have just the one child, or is Alphonse my son too?”

“Just the chief. Rumours about Alphonse are you hired to be you kid’s bodyguard while you let him play at being a state alchemist.”

Roy groaned.

“Hey, boss?  You haven’t asked who the mother is yet.”

“Oh for – you’re enjoying this, aren’t you?  Go on – who is the mother of my secret lovechild?”

Havoc told him, and then regretted that he hadn’t used that piece of information while Mustang held a cup of coffee.

“Lieutenant Hawkeye?!? But we’ve never – where do people -? Oh god.  Has she heard?”

Havoc’s smile vanished. “She has.”

“Well, I hope you broke the news to her in a kinder way than you did to me.”

“I wasn’t the one who told her.  That was Catalina.”

“Good.  Final thing – and this is important – Does. Fullmetal.  Know?”

As if in answer to his question the door to his office burst open.

“Yo, dad!  Don’t you owe me some allowance?”

“I am not your father, Fullmetal.”

“I dunno.  Emotionally distant, complete asshole?  You’re doing a pretty good impression.”

“This isn’t a game. Do you have any idea the damage this could do?”

“What?  The great colonel worried about his reputation?”

“It’s not my reputation I’m worried about.”

“Oh.”  Edward frowned.  “You mean the Lieutenant.”

“I do.  If there’s any hint of anything unprofessional in our relationship the damage it does to her – not me – will be irreversible.  I’m not losing her due to some ridiculous rumours. We need to find a way to stop them.”

All three of them thought for a moment.

“I could kick your ass.”

“A serious suggestion, Fullmetal.”

“It is!  People don’t think I’m a real state alchemist, right? That’s why these rumours started. So we go all out in an alchemical brawl and people see what I can do.  I’m not saying we just start punching each other – we do it properly with a referee and everything.”

“And I suppose if neither of us are holding back then it’s clear I’m not your father.”

“Or they think you’re just willing to beat up your own kid to prove a point.”

“You’re not helping, Havoc.”

“He’s got a point, though. I guess kicking your ass is going to have to wait.”

Roy didn’t really know how to respond to that statement.  However, before any more suggestions could be made the door opened again, far more gently than when Edward had made his dramatic entrance.

“Good morning, Colonel. It’s good to see you in so early. And you as well, Edward.”

Hawkeye’s expression was not giving any impression that the rumours were bothering her in anyway.

“About those rumours…” Roy began.

“There’s no need to worry, sir.  I’ve taken care of them.”

“How –“

Hawkeye’s smile made all three of them take an instinctive step back.

“I’ve taken care of them,” she repeated, firmly.

And nothing more was ever said on the matter.


End file.
